ROUND 1

KEVIN

Karras, you Magnificent Bastard!

ORA

How did you get that?!

KARRAS

Isten.

ORA

Isten?

KARRAS

Yeah, he gave It to me.

Pretty nice of him, hu?

KEVIN

Karras, I know he’s kinda ‘your

guy’, but I don’t think he would

just give It to you.

KARRAS

(Grunts.)

FORMOSA

Thank you.

ORA

Yes, thank you, Karras...and I’m

sorry. I got all worked up and I...

KARRAS

I’m... sorry, too.

KEVIN

Karras, you big old bear, I love

you! You didn’t abandon us!

KARRAS

Uh...I...I...love you...too?

ORA

Alright. Alright. Now we’ve gotta’

get to work.

KEVIN

Ora, just let me enjoy this for a

minute. Karras, buddy, where are we

going now?

KARRAS

Well, we have a Prophecy, right?

That means we can participate in

the tournament.

KEVIN

I...I... Look, I realize I’ve been

a bit braggy about my fighting

lately, but I don’t think I’m ready

for this.

KARRAS

I was thinking about me.

FORMOSA

Why? What will we gain from that?

ORA

She’s right, we just need to find

the other Prophecies. If there are

all these new, fake prophecies,

what about the old ones? Are they

more significant? Do they piece

together in some way?

KARRAS

I have this one.

ORA

I know, I know, I’m just-- there

could be so many of these. I need

to find out if any of them

compliment one another and which

ones are false.

KEVIN

I’m just happy your spirits have

turned, I was running out of ways

to entertain you.

KARRAS

Well, she got out of jail. That

helps.

SCENE BRAKE

BARRABAS

Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,

victory, honor. Nobody but

Barrabas. Glory, victory, honor.

Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,

victory, honor...

FORMOSA

Come on. It’s got to be this way.

KARRAS

Are you sure?

FORMOSA

He said the fighters’ entrance was

down here, and this is the only

“down here” I see.

BARRABAS

Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,

History, honor... Victory...

ORA

Well, It looks like we found an

exit or something up ahead.

KEVIN

Hey, there’s a guy!

BARRABAS

Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,

victory, honor...

KEVIN

Hey there!

BARRABAS

Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,

victory, honor...

KEVIN

Hey.

BARRABAS

Ugh! Stay Back.. AAHHH..

KEVIN

Hey, didn’t mean to startle you.

Gettin’ ready for a fight, huh?

BARRABAS

Yes, and I’d appreciate some

privacy. Humph.

ORA

Sure, no problem. We were just

curious about your Prophecy.

BARRABAS

Yes, it’s real. No, you can’t see

It.

KARRAS

How’d did you know we were gonna

ask those two questions?

BARRABAS

Because everyone asks those two

questions and if you’re here, you

must have one yourself.

ORA

I’ll show you mine if you show us

yours. Uh...

BARRABAS

Look, no one can see It. I’ll

present It to the Tournament Master

in mere moments, so shove off.

ORA

We’re just interested in what sort

of legend led someone as impressive

as...Barrabas.

BARRABAS

Humph.

FORMOSA

Right, Barrabas. What sort of

legend led to you fighting in such

a storied tournament?

BARRABAS

I don’t know what’s wrong with you,

but I don't care what any of the

Prophecies say. They could say that

the Chosen One is a long-haired

fish. I’ll still conquer all foes

in the arena of battle.

ORA

But, if we could just take a quick

look at your Prophecy...

ANNOUNCER

...Our next warrior, the

mighty...BARRABAS!

BARRABAS

Ugh! UGH UGH!!!! VICTORY!

ORA

Shit.

RUDY THE SPECKTATOR

He is so tinny.

BARRABAS

NOBODY BY BARRABAS! GLORY! HISTORY!

DAMN It!.... HONOR!!!

SCENE BRAKE

KEVIN

But, why not?!

GAIL

I don’t know how else to explain

this to you.

Once they enter the arena, we have

their Prophecies and they are kept

under watchful protection for just

this reason. People get somewhat

unscrupulous around Prophecies. So,

we can’t just let anyone and

everyone rifle through can we.

KARRAS

But, we’ve got a Prophecy of our

own! We don’t need to steal one.

KEVIN

Ahh, what he means is “we’d never

dream of stealing one, but in

addition to that moral integrity,

we happen to have our own

Prophecy.”

GAIL

Sure you do... I’m sure your

champion did not just die and one

of you wants to take there place...

FORMOSA

Who would do that...

GAIL

BUT, frankly that has nothing to do

with seeing the rest of them. And

anyway, if you do have your own,

why are you just checking in now?

ORA

Sorry, we just got held up and

we’re late. Aren’t we entitled to

compete with our Prophecy?

(MORE)

GAIL

If you HAD one....

OH... Give me that....well...I

guess you are. Well, unfortunately,

we are a day into competition so

the nice setups have all been

taken...

KEVIN

Damn...

GAIL

Oh, well lucky for you some of the

combatants are already dead. So

long as you don’t mind blood and

ghosts or the discomfort of

stealing a dead person’s cot, then

you’ve got some of fabulous

options.

KARRAS

Nice.

KEVIN

Thats not the word I would use.

ORA

What about our Prophecy? Can you

tell us anything about It compared

to the others?

GAIL

You’re asking if it’s more ‘real’

than the others? Hm. Hum...That’s

interesting...

KEVIN

Do you think It might be

legitimate?

ORA

It’s just, I know not all of these

Prophecies can be true, right?

GAIL

Well, you did come late with a lot

of questions. And...and this does

appear authentic. Much much older

than most others...

Or maybe we’ve been having this

tournament for ten years and

they’re all pretty much the same to

me. Life contains multitudes, so

who can rightfully say or care.

GAIL (CONT'D)

Look, the smelly tents are the

empty ones. Pick the one you want.

I don’t care if you clean It,

they’re all getting burned once the

tournament’s over, anyhow. Only way

to get rid of the lice...

SCENE BRAKE

V

ANCELIN

Oh, hello again.

KEVIN

Ancelin! You’re looking...A Little

bit more sober.

ANCELIN

You might say that.

KARRAS

How’d Jonathan do?

KEVIN

What? He lost?

ANCELIN

(crying)

FORMOSA

I’m sorry.

ORA

What happened? It really seemed

like you were all in this for fun.

ANCELIN

Some people really believe...his

opponent didn’t think he deserved

to live.

FORMOSA

Zealots.

ANCELIN

Yes.

TARESA

Oh Hello.

ORA

Taresa, I am so sorry.

TARESA

Come on Ancelin, the horses are

waiting at the front gate.

KEVIN

So, what are you going to do now?

TARESA

(shrugs)

I don’t know. This, this

tournament’s poison. People take It

way too seriously. All this

Prophecy garbage?

It’s a show, for land sake.

ORA

Well, what if one of the Prophecies

turns out to be true?

FORMOSA

I don’t think...

ANCELIN

My best friend just got killed

because we entered a contest, lady.

I don’t much care if any of the

prophecies are true at this moment.

(Cries)

ORA

I’m sorry.

KEVIN

Of course. We’re sorry. We’ll give

you a moment to finish gathering

your things.

TARESA

Doesn’t matter. I don’t have

anything I care about. Tent’s

yours. Keep that bloody Prophecy of

yours away from me. Those things

ruin lives. Lets go.

SCENE BRAKE

KEVIN

Ha. Draw.

KARRAS

Damn!

ORA

I don’t think it’s a good idea.

FORMOSA

What other choice do we have? We

have to find out where they keep

the Prophecies.

KEVIN

I think it’s smart.

ORA

You’re just saying that because you

don’t have a better idea.

KEVIN

Well, do you?

ORA

Well--

FORMOSA

Exactly. If we turn It in, I can

mark It so you can find It again,

nature has its ways.

ORA

But the only way to turn It in is

to fight.

KARRAS

Ah-ha! You go, Kevin.

KEVIN

Ha! And that’s game.

KARRAS

Ugh! Damn.

FORMOSA

Don’t worry about It, Ora.

ORA

What? The Prophecy? What choice do

I have?

FORMOSA

No. I’m talking about the

tournament.

ORA

I’m not worried. I’ll do It. Even

if I lose, that doesn’t mean I’ll

get killed.

KEVIN

Uh...I know you can fight and all,

but a whole lot of people are

getting killed.

KARRAS

The Zealots are pricks.

FORMOSA

Ora, I’m serious--

ORA

No, I’m doing this.

FORMOSA

You can’t. Just manage the marking.

That’s all you need to do, let me

take care of fighting.

ORA

But... How do I know you can win?

FORMOSA

Let’s see what you got. No weapons.

KARRAS

You want me to fight instead, Ora?

KEVIN

I mean if Formosa really wants

to...

ORA

Alright. Remember, you did ask me

to do this.

FORMOSA

(Chuckles)

Got It.

ORA

You can’t just dance around. These

other people are gonna’ be bigger

and stronger.

FORMOSA

Fine. Then hit me or something.

Or you could just take my word for

It.

ORA

I don't know if I can follow this

marker you’re talking about. It

could be better if-- huuugh!

Ooohhhfff. What? Thats all you got?

That’s It? Come on! Huuughh! ooff

FORMOSA

I know you can fight. But, we need

to be sure we all stay alive

tomorrow.

ORA

What if they do something like

this?

FORMOSA

Really?

ORA

Ugh! Ow! DAMNIT.

FORMOSA

Then I stomp on your back.

KEVIN

Uh, hey Ora? Why don’t we just say

Formosa does the tournament

tomorrow, huh?

KARRAS

Good punching and kicking.

KEVIN

Ora? Right?

ORA

Yes, alright.

FORMOSA

I won’t let you down. We’ll find

those prophecies.

ORA

Fine. I’ll let you mark It, just

make sure I know how to follow It.

FORMOSA

I’ll teach you tomorrow after the

fight.

KEVIN

I can’t believe I still haven’t

gotten a beer yet.

(MORE)

SCENE BRAKE

ANNOUNCER

Finally, we come to the last match

of round one! Thus-far, the

competition has been ratcheted to a

level we have not seen in all the

years this tournament has taken

place!

CROWD

(cheer)

ANNOUNCER

But, nay! We are not done, yet! Our

last hand-to-hand battle is sure to

excite and truly bring us close to

knowing the true prophet...

SCENE TRANSITION

GILES

Come on, you can do this. Come on!

COME! ON!

FORMOSA

Hey, good luck.

GILES

Luck? Please. You know what happens

out there.

FORMOSA

So...You don’t want luck?

GILES

You think these arms, shoulders and

legs are luck?

FORMOSA

I really don’t know.

ANNOUNCER

...GILES OF VERNON!

GILES

Aaaaaaa! THATS ME!!!

ANNOUNCER

Aaaaand our final champion, a late

entry - a detail which could prove

meaningful or mean absolute

nothing, we simply have NO. WAY.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

(MORE)

OF. KNOWING! HER NAME IS....

FORMOSA THE TERRAN!

CROWD

(goes quiet)

KEVIN

Go Formosa!

ORA

KILL, KILL, KILL!

KARRAS

HI, FORMOSA!

ANNOUNCER

As every fighter before them, these

two must relinquish their

Prophecies.

GILES

I GIVE MY PROPHECY AS PROOF OF MY

DIVINITY!

CROWD

(cheers)

ANNOUNCER

It is accepted! And you?

FORMOSA

And, I give my Prophecy so I don’t

have to carry It any more.

ANNOUNCER

Ummm... hahaha...It IS ACCEPTED!!!

Finally, a combatant with a sense

of humor! Lets see where this leads

lady and gentlemen. Let the final

round one battle... BEGIN!

CROWD

(cheers)

GILES

If you want me to spare you, you’re

gonna need a good reason.

FORMOSA

What’s a good reason?

GILES

I dunno. Thats a great question. No

one has ever asked me that.

GILES (CONT'D)

Are you... Are you secretly a

dragon? I don’t want to kill a

dragon. Unless you’re a mean

dragon.

FORMOSA

I see

GILES

Aren’t you going to take out your

weapon? Thats usually the way this

is done.

FORMOSA

Why?

GILES

Why? Oh... Oh this is going to be

easy. THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY!

CROWD

(Cheers)

GILES

Aaaaaa

FORMOSA

Ugh! You won’t be needing this.

And I won’t be needing this.

GILES

Ha! That makes It even less of a

fair fight. Last chance.

Fine.

FORMOSA

This isn’t personal. You

understand.

GILES

Come on! You turd!

FORMOSA

Aaaaaaa.

GILES

Aaagggg! My hand!!!! Its broken...

You broke my hand!

No, no. No, no please... Please no

more. No more I swear I will follow

you. You are the chosen one. Please

no more... (whimpers)

(MORE)

ANNOUNCER

FORMOSA IS VICTORIOUS!

CROWD

(cheers)

KEVIN

YEAAAHHH!!!!

KARRAS

GO FORMOSA! GREAT PUNCHING!

ORA

YEAH!

ANNOUNCER

Round one is complete!

KEVIN

Oh! You were amazing! That was so

quick.

ORA

I’m so glad you fought instead of

me! I’m sorry I doubted you. I

mean, I didn’t doubt you, I just, I

got in my own head--

FORMOSA

Ora, I got It.

KARRAS

Where did you learn to fight like

that?!

FORMOSA

It’s a dangerous world.

KARRAS

Oh, you were incredible! I’m so

happy! We’re gonna win this thing

for sure!

KEVIN

Well, let’s not get ahead of

ourselves.

FORMOSA

Well--

ANNOUNCER

That’s the end of round one! We’ve

narrowed the field of prospective

prophets in half.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

With such exciting battles in round

one, I am absolutely thrilled to

announce the challenge of round

two.

KEVIN

What do you think it’s gonna be?

ORA

No idea.

KARRAS

Obstacle course?

FORMOSA

I don’t care. We did what we came

here for.

ANNOUNCER

In order to pass round two...each

contestant must defeat...a LUSUS

NATURAE!

FORMOSA

WHAT?!

CROWD

(cheer)

LUSUS NATURAE

(Roar)

ORA

Formosa...

KEVIN

Do you know that currupted?

FORMOSA

Yes.

END OF EPISODE 17