
ROUND 1
KEVIN
Karras, you Magnificent Bastard!
ORA
How did you get that?!
KARRAS
Isten.
ORA
Isten?
KARRAS
Yeah, he gave It to me.
Pretty nice of him, hu?
KEVIN
Karras, I know he’s kinda ‘your
guy’, but I don’t think he would
just give It to you.
KARRAS
(Grunts.)
FORMOSA
Thank you.
ORA
Yes, thank you, Karras...and I’m
sorry. I got all worked up and I...
KARRAS
I’m... sorry, too.
KEVIN
Karras, you big old bear, I love
you! You didn’t abandon us!
KARRAS
Uh...I...I...love you...too?
ORA
Alright. Alright. Now we’ve gotta’
get to work.
KEVIN
Ora, just let me enjoy this for a
minute. Karras, buddy, where are we
going now?
KARRAS
Well, we have a Prophecy, right?
That means we can participate in
the tournament.
KEVIN
I...I... Look, I realize I’ve been
a bit braggy about my fighting
lately, but I don’t think I’m ready
for this.
KARRAS
I was thinking about me.
FORMOSA
Why? What will we gain from that?
ORA
She’s right, we just need to find
the other Prophecies. If there are
all these new, fake prophecies,
what about the old ones? Are they
more significant? Do they piece
together in some way?
KARRAS
I have this one.
ORA
I know, I know, I’m just-- there
could be so many of these. I need
to find out if any of them
compliment one another and which
ones are false.
KEVIN
I’m just happy your spirits have
turned, I was running out of ways
to entertain you.
KARRAS
Well, she got out of jail. That
helps.
SCENE BRAKE
BARRABAS
Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,
victory, honor. Nobody but
Barrabas. Glory, victory, honor.
Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,
victory, honor...
FORMOSA
Come on. It’s got to be this way.
KARRAS
Are you sure?
FORMOSA
He said the fighters’ entrance was
down here, and this is the only
“down here” I see.
BARRABAS
Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,
History, honor... Victory...
ORA
Well, It looks like we found an
exit or something up ahead.
KEVIN
Hey, there’s a guy!
BARRABAS
Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,
victory, honor...
KEVIN
Hey there!
BARRABAS
Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,
victory, honor...
KEVIN
Hey.
BARRABAS
Ugh! Stay Back.. AAHHH..
KEVIN
Hey, didn’t mean to startle you.
Gettin’ ready for a fight, huh?
BARRABAS
Yes, and I’d appreciate some
privacy. Humph.
ORA
Sure, no problem. We were just
curious about your Prophecy.
BARRABAS
Yes, it’s real. No, you can’t see
It.
KARRAS
How’d did you know we were gonna
ask those two questions?
BARRABAS
Because everyone asks those two
questions and if you’re here, you
must have one yourself.
ORA
I’ll show you mine if you show us
yours. Uh...
BARRABAS
Look, no one can see It. I’ll
present It to the Tournament Master
in mere moments, so shove off.
ORA
We’re just interested in what sort
of legend led someone as impressive
as...Barrabas.
BARRABAS
Humph.
FORMOSA
Right, Barrabas. What sort of
legend led to you fighting in such
a storied tournament?
BARRABAS
I don’t know what’s wrong with you,
but I don't care what any of the
Prophecies say. They could say that
the Chosen One is a long-haired
fish. I’ll still conquer all foes
in the arena of battle.
ORA
But, if we could just take a quick
look at your Prophecy...
ANNOUNCER
...Our next warrior, the
mighty...BARRABAS!
BARRABAS
Ugh! UGH UGH!!!! VICTORY!
ORA
Shit.
RUDY THE SPECKTATOR
He is so tinny.
BARRABAS
NOBODY BY BARRABAS! GLORY! HISTORY!
DAMN It!.... HONOR!!!
SCENE BRAKE
KEVIN
But, why not?!
GAIL
I don’t know how else to explain
this to you.
Once they enter the arena, we have
their Prophecies and they are kept
under watchful protection for just
this reason. People get somewhat
unscrupulous around Prophecies. So,
we can’t just let anyone and
everyone rifle through can we.
KARRAS
But, we’ve got a Prophecy of our
own! We don’t need to steal one.
KEVIN
Ahh, what he means is “we’d never
dream of stealing one, but in
addition to that moral integrity,
we happen to have our own
Prophecy.”
GAIL
Sure you do... I’m sure your
champion did not just die and one
of you wants to take there place...
FORMOSA
Who would do that...
GAIL
BUT, frankly that has nothing to do
with seeing the rest of them. And
anyway, if you do have your own,
why are you just checking in now?
ORA
Sorry, we just got held up and
we’re late. Aren’t we entitled to
compete with our Prophecy?
(MORE)
GAIL
If you HAD one....
OH... Give me that....well...I
guess you are. Well, unfortunately,
we are a day into competition so
the nice setups have all been
taken...
KEVIN
Damn...
GAIL
Oh, well lucky for you some of the
combatants are already dead. So
long as you don’t mind blood and
ghosts or the discomfort of
stealing a dead person’s cot, then
you’ve got some of fabulous
options.
KARRAS
Nice.
KEVIN
Thats not the word I would use.
ORA
What about our Prophecy? Can you
tell us anything about It compared
to the others?
GAIL
You’re asking if it’s more ‘real’
than the others? Hm. Hum...That’s
interesting...
KEVIN
Do you think It might be
legitimate?
ORA
It’s just, I know not all of these
Prophecies can be true, right?
GAIL
Well, you did come late with a lot
of questions. And...and this does
appear authentic. Much much older
than most others...
Or maybe we’ve been having this
tournament for ten years and
they’re all pretty much the same to
me. Life contains multitudes, so
who can rightfully say or care.
GAIL (CONT'D)
Look, the smelly tents are the
empty ones. Pick the one you want.
I don’t care if you clean It,
they’re all getting burned once the
tournament’s over, anyhow. Only way
to get rid of the lice...
SCENE BRAKE
V
ANCELIN
Oh, hello again.
KEVIN
Ancelin! You’re looking...A Little
bit more sober.
ANCELIN
You might say that.
KARRAS
How’d Jonathan do?
KEVIN
What? He lost?
ANCELIN
(crying)
FORMOSA
I’m sorry.
ORA
What happened? It really seemed
like you were all in this for fun.
ANCELIN
Some people really believe...his
opponent didn’t think he deserved
to live.
FORMOSA
Zealots.
ANCELIN
Yes.
TARESA
Oh Hello.
ORA
Taresa, I am so sorry.
TARESA
Come on Ancelin, the horses are
waiting at the front gate.
KEVIN
So, what are you going to do now?
TARESA
(shrugs)
I don’t know. This, this
tournament’s poison. People take It
way too seriously. All this
Prophecy garbage?
It’s a show, for land sake.
ORA
Well, what if one of the Prophecies
turns out to be true?
FORMOSA
I don’t think...
ANCELIN
My best friend just got killed
because we entered a contest, lady.
I don’t much care if any of the
prophecies are true at this moment.
(Cries)
ORA
I’m sorry.
KEVIN
Of course. We’re sorry. We’ll give
you a moment to finish gathering
your things.
TARESA
Doesn’t matter. I don’t have
anything I care about. Tent’s
yours. Keep that bloody Prophecy of
yours away from me. Those things
ruin lives. Lets go.
SCENE BRAKE
KEVIN
Ha. Draw.
KARRAS
Damn!
ORA
I don’t think it’s a good idea.
FORMOSA
What other choice do we have? We
have to find out where they keep
the Prophecies.
KEVIN
I think it’s smart.
ORA
You’re just saying that because you
don’t have a better idea.
KEVIN
Well, do you?
ORA
Well--
FORMOSA
Exactly. If we turn It in, I can
mark It so you can find It again,
nature has its ways.
ORA
But the only way to turn It in is
to fight.
KARRAS
Ah-ha! You go, Kevin.
KEVIN
Ha! And that’s game.
KARRAS
Ugh! Damn.
FORMOSA
Don’t worry about It, Ora.
ORA
What? The Prophecy? What choice do
I have?
FORMOSA
No. I’m talking about the
tournament.
ORA
I’m not worried. I’ll do It. Even
if I lose, that doesn’t mean I’ll
get killed.
KEVIN
Uh...I know you can fight and all,
but a whole lot of people are
getting killed.
KARRAS
The Zealots are pricks.
FORMOSA
Ora, I’m serious--
ORA
No, I’m doing this.
FORMOSA
You can’t. Just manage the marking.
That’s all you need to do, let me
take care of fighting.
ORA
But... How do I know you can win?
FORMOSA
Let’s see what you got. No weapons.
KARRAS
You want me to fight instead, Ora?
KEVIN
I mean if Formosa really wants
to...
ORA
Alright. Remember, you did ask me
to do this.
FORMOSA
(Chuckles)
Got It.
ORA
You can’t just dance around. These
other people are gonna’ be bigger
and stronger.
FORMOSA
Fine. Then hit me or something.
Or you could just take my word for
It.
ORA
I don't know if I can follow this
marker you’re talking about. It
could be better if-- huuugh!
Ooohhhfff. What? Thats all you got?
That’s It? Come on! Huuughh! ooff
FORMOSA
I know you can fight. But, we need
to be sure we all stay alive
tomorrow.
ORA
What if they do something like
this?
FORMOSA
Really?
ORA
Ugh! Ow! DAMNIT.
FORMOSA
Then I stomp on your back.
KEVIN
Uh, hey Ora? Why don’t we just say
Formosa does the tournament
tomorrow, huh?
KARRAS
Good punching and kicking.
KEVIN
Ora? Right?
ORA
Yes, alright.
FORMOSA
I won’t let you down. We’ll find
those prophecies.
ORA
Fine. I’ll let you mark It, just
make sure I know how to follow It.
FORMOSA
I’ll teach you tomorrow after the
fight.
KEVIN
I can’t believe I still haven’t
gotten a beer yet.
(MORE)
SCENE BRAKE
ANNOUNCER
Finally, we come to the last match
of round one! Thus-far, the
competition has been ratcheted to a
level we have not seen in all the
years this tournament has taken
place!
CROWD
(cheer)
ANNOUNCER
But, nay! We are not done, yet! Our
last hand-to-hand battle is sure to
excite and truly bring us close to
knowing the true prophet...
SCENE TRANSITION
GILES
Come on, you can do this. Come on!
COME! ON!
FORMOSA
Hey, good luck.
GILES
Luck? Please. You know what happens
out there.
FORMOSA
So...You don’t want luck?
GILES
You think these arms, shoulders and
legs are luck?
FORMOSA
I really don’t know.
ANNOUNCER
...GILES OF VERNON!
GILES
Aaaaaaa! THATS ME!!!
ANNOUNCER
Aaaaand our final champion, a late
entry - a detail which could prove
meaningful or mean absolute
nothing, we simply have NO. WAY.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
(MORE)
OF. KNOWING! HER NAME IS....
FORMOSA THE TERRAN!
CROWD
(goes quiet)
KEVIN
Go Formosa!
ORA
KILL, KILL, KILL!
KARRAS
HI, FORMOSA!
ANNOUNCER
As every fighter before them, these
two must relinquish their
Prophecies.
GILES
I GIVE MY PROPHECY AS PROOF OF MY
DIVINITY!
CROWD
(cheers)
ANNOUNCER
It is accepted! And you?
FORMOSA
And, I give my Prophecy so I don’t
have to carry It any more.
ANNOUNCER
Ummm... hahaha...It IS ACCEPTED!!!
Finally, a combatant with a sense
of humor! Lets see where this leads
lady and gentlemen. Let the final
round one battle... BEGIN!
CROWD
(cheers)
GILES
If you want me to spare you, you’re
gonna need a good reason.
FORMOSA
What’s a good reason?
GILES
I dunno. Thats a great question. No
one has ever asked me that.
GILES (CONT'D)
Are you... Are you secretly a
dragon? I don’t want to kill a
dragon. Unless you’re a mean
dragon.
FORMOSA
I see
GILES
Aren’t you going to take out your
weapon? Thats usually the way this
is done.
FORMOSA
Why?
GILES
Why? Oh... Oh this is going to be
easy. THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY!
CROWD
(Cheers)
GILES
Aaaaaa
FORMOSA
Ugh! You won’t be needing this.
And I won’t be needing this.
GILES
Ha! That makes It even less of a
fair fight. Last chance.
Fine.
FORMOSA
This isn’t personal. You
understand.
GILES
Come on! You turd!
FORMOSA
Aaaaaaa.
GILES
Aaagggg! My hand!!!! Its broken...
You broke my hand!
No, no. No, no please... Please no
more. No more I swear I will follow
you. You are the chosen one. Please
no more... (whimpers)
(MORE)
ANNOUNCER
FORMOSA IS VICTORIOUS!
CROWD
(cheers)
KEVIN
YEAAAHHH!!!!
KARRAS
GO FORMOSA! GREAT PUNCHING!
ORA
YEAH!
ANNOUNCER
Round one is complete!
KEVIN
Oh! You were amazing! That was so
quick.
ORA
I’m so glad you fought instead of
me! I’m sorry I doubted you. I
mean, I didn’t doubt you, I just, I
got in my own head--
FORMOSA
Ora, I got It.
KARRAS
Where did you learn to fight like
that?!
FORMOSA
It’s a dangerous world.
KARRAS
Oh, you were incredible! I’m so
happy! We’re gonna win this thing
for sure!
KEVIN
Well, let’s not get ahead of
ourselves.
FORMOSA
Well--
ANNOUNCER
That’s the end of round one! We’ve
narrowed the field of prospective
prophets in half.
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
With such exciting battles in round
one, I am absolutely thrilled to
announce the challenge of round
two.
KEVIN
What do you think it’s gonna be?
ORA
No idea.
KARRAS
Obstacle course?
FORMOSA
I don’t care. We did what we came
here for.
ANNOUNCER
In order to pass round two...each
contestant must defeat...a LUSUS
NATURAE!
FORMOSA
WHAT?!
CROWD
(cheer)
LUSUS NATURAE
(Roar)
ORA
Formosa...
KEVIN
Do you know that currupted?
FORMOSA
Yes.
END OF EPISODE 17