ROUND 1  KEVIN Karras, you Magnificent Bastard!  ORA How did you get that?!  KARRAS Isten.  ORA Isten?  KARRAS Yeah, he gave It to me.  Pretty nice of him, hu?  KEVIN Karras, I know he’s kinda ‘your  guy’, but I don’t think he would just give It to you.  KARRAS (Grunts.)  FORMOSA Thank you.  ORA Yes, thank you, Karras...and I’m  sorry. I got all worked up and I...  KARRAS I’m... sorry, too.  KEVIN Karras, you big old bear, I love  you! You didn’t abandon us!  KARRAS Uh...I...I...love you...too?  ORA Alright. Alright. Now we’ve gotta’  get to work.  KEVIN Ora, just let me enjoy this for a  minute. Karras, buddy, where are we going now?   KARRAS Well, we have a Prophecy, right?  That means we can participate in the tournament.  KEVIN I...I... Look, I realize I’ve been  a bit braggy about my fighting lately, but I don’t think I’m ready for this.  KARRAS I was thinking about me.  FORMOSA Why? What will we gain from that?  ORA She’s right, we just need to find  the other Prophecies. If there are all these new, fake prophecies, what about the old ones? Are they more significant? Do they piece together in some way?  KARRAS I have this one.  ORA I know, I know, I’m just-- there  could be so many of these. I need to find out if any of them compliment one another and which ones are false.  KEVIN I’m just happy your spirits have  turned, I was running out of ways to entertain you.  KARRAS Well, she got out of jail. That  helps. SCENE BRAKE  BARRABAS Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,  victory, honor. Nobody but Barrabas. Glory, victory, honor. Nobody but Barrabas. Glory, victory, honor...  FORMOSA Come on. It’s got to be this way.  KARRAS Are you sure?  FORMOSA He said the fighters’ entrance was  down here, and this is the only “down here” I see.  BARRABAS Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,  History, honor... Victory...  ORA Well, It looks like we found an  exit or something up ahead.  KEVIN Hey, there’s a guy!  BARRABAS Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,  victory, honor...  KEVIN Hey there!  BARRABAS Nobody but Barrabas. Glory,  victory, honor...  Hey.  KEVIN  BARRABAS Ugh! Stay Back.. AAHHH..  KEVIN Hey, didn’t mean to startle you.  Gettin’ ready for a fight, huh?  BARRABAS Yes, and I’d appreciate some  privacy. Humph.  ORA Sure, no problem. We were just  curious about your Prophecy.  BARRABAS Yes, it’s real. No, you can’t see  It.  KARRAS How’d did you know we were gonna  ask those two questions?  BARRABAS Because everyone asks those two  questions and if you’re here, you must have one yourself.  ORA I’ll show you mine if you show us  yours. Uh...  BARRABAS Look, no one can see It. I’ll  present It to the Tournament Master in mere moments, so shove off.  ORA We’re just interested in what sort  of legend led someone as impressive as...Barrabas.  Humph.  BARRABAS  FORMOSA Right, Barrabas. What sort of  legend led to you fighting in such a storied tournament?  BARRABAS I don’t know what’s wrong with you,  but I don't care what any of the Prophecies say. They could say that the Chosen One is a long-haired fish. I’ll still conquer all foes in the arena of battle.  ORA But, if we could just take a quick  look at your Prophecy...  ANNOUNCER ...Our next warrior, the  mighty...BARRABAS!  BARRABAS Ugh! UGH UGH!!!! VICTORY!  ORA Shit.  RUDY THE SPECKTATOR He is so tinny.  BARRABAS NOBODY BY BARRABAS! GLORY! HISTORY!  DAMN It!.... HONOR!!! SCENE BRAKE  KEVIN But, why not?!  GAIL I don’t know how else to explain  this to you. Once they enter the arena, we have their Prophecies and they are kept under watchful protection for just this reason. People get somewhat unscrupulous around Prophecies. So, we can’t just let anyone and everyone rifle through can we.  KARRAS But, we’ve got a Prophecy of our  own! We don’t need to steal one.  KEVIN Ahh, what he means is “we’d never  dream of stealing one, but in addition to that moral integrity, we happen to have our own Prophecy.”  GAIL Sure you do... I’m sure your  champion did not just die and one of you wants to take there place...  FORMOSA Who would do that...  GAIL BUT, frankly that has nothing to do  with seeing the rest of them. And anyway, if you do have your own, why are you just checking in now?  ORA Sorry, we just got held up and  we’re late. Aren’t we entitled to compete with our Prophecy?  GAIL If you HAD one....  OH... Give me that....well...I guess you are. Well, unfortunately, we are a day into competition so the nice setups have all been taken...  KEVIN Damn...  GAIL Oh, well lucky for you some of the  combatants are already dead. So long as you don’t mind blood and ghosts or the discomfort of stealing a dead person’s cot, then you’ve got some of fabulous options.   Nice.  KARRAS  KEVIN Thats not the word I would use.  ORA What about our Prophecy? Can you  tell us anything about It compared to the others?  GAIL You’re asking if it’s more ‘real’  than the others? Hm. Hum...That’s interesting...  KEVIN Do you think It might be  legitimate?  ORA It’s just, I know not all of these  Prophecies can be true, right?  GAIL Well, you did come late with a lot  of questions. And...and this does appear authentic. Much much older than most others... Or maybe we’ve been having this tournament for ten years and they’re all pretty much the same to me. Life contains multitudes, so who can rightfully say or care.  (MORE)  GAIL (CONT'D) Look, the smelly tents are the  empty ones. Pick the one you want. I don’t care if you clean It, they’re all getting burned once the tournament’s over, anyhow. Only way to get rid of the lice...  SCENE BRAKE V  ANCELIN Oh, hello again.  KEVIN Ancelin! You’re looking...A Little  bit more sober.  ANCELIN You might say that.  KARRAS How’d Jonathan do?  KEVIN What? He lost?  ANCELIN (crying)  FORMOSA I’m sorry.  ORA What happened? It really seemed  like you were all in this for fun.  ANCELIN Some people really believe...his  opponent didn’t think he deserved to live.  FORMOSA Zealots.  ANCELIN  TARESA  Yes. Oh Hello.  ORA Taresa, I am so sorry.  TARESA Come on Ancelin, the horses are  waiting at the front gate.  KEVIN So, what are you going to do now?  TARESA (shrugs)  I don’t know. This, this tournament’s poison. People take It way too seriously. All this Prophecy garbage? It’s a show, for land sake.  ORA Well, what if one of the Prophecies  turns out to be true?  FORMOSA I don’t think...  ANCELIN My best friend just got killed  because we entered a contest, lady. I don’t much care if any of the prophecies are true at this moment. (Cries)  ORA I’m sorry.  KEVIN Of course. We’re sorry. We’ll give  you a moment to finish gathering your things.  TARESA Doesn’t matter. I don’t have  anything I care about. Tent’s yours. Keep that bloody Prophecy of yours away from me. Those things ruin lives. Lets go.  SCENE BRAKE Ha. Draw.  KEVIN  Damn!  KARRAS  ORA I don’t think it’s a good idea.  FORMOSA What other choice do we have? We  have to find out where they keep the Prophecies.  KEVIN I think it’s smart.  ORA You’re just saying that because you  don’t have a better idea.  KEVIN Well, do you?  ORA Well--  FORMOSA Exactly. If we turn It in, I can  mark It so you can find It again, nature has its ways.  ORA But the only way to turn It in is  to fight.  KARRAS Ah-ha! You go, Kevin.  KEVIN Ha! And that’s game.  KARRAS Ugh! Damn.  FORMOSA Don’t worry about It, Ora.  ORA What? The Prophecy? What choice do  I have?  FORMOSA No. I’m talking about the  tournament.  ORA I’m not worried. I’ll do It. Even  if I lose, that doesn’t mean I’ll get killed.  KEVIN Uh...I know you can fight and all,  but a whole lot of people are getting killed.  KARRAS The Zealots are pricks.  FORMOSA Ora, I’m serious--  ORA No, I’m doing this.  FORMOSA You can’t. Just manage the marking.  That’s all you need to do, let me take care of fighting.  ORA But... How do I know you can win?  FORMOSA Let’s see what you got. No weapons.  KARRAS You want me to fight instead, Ora?  KEVIN I mean if Formosa really wants  to...  ORA Alright. Remember, you did ask me  to do this.  FORMOSA (Chuckles)  Got It.  ORA You can’t just dance around. These  other people are gonna’ be bigger and stronger.  FORMOSA Fine. Then hit me or something.  Or you could just take my word for It.  ORA I don't know if I can follow this  marker you’re talking about. It could be better if-- huuugh! Ooohhhfff. What? Thats all you got? That’s It? Come on! Huuughh! ooff  FORMOSA I know you can fight. But, we need  to be sure we all stay alive tomorrow.  ORA What if they do something like  this?  FORMOSA Really?  ORA Ugh! Ow! DAMNIT.  FORMOSA Then I stomp on your back.  KEVIN Uh, hey Ora? Why don’t we just say  Formosa does the tournament tomorrow, huh?  KARRAS Good punching and kicking.  KEVIN Ora? Right?  ORA Yes, alright.  FORMOSA I won’t let you down. We’ll find  those prophecies.  ORA Fine. I’ll let you mark It, just  make sure I know how to follow It.  FORMOSA I’ll teach you tomorrow after the  fight.  KEVIN I can’t believe I still haven’t  gotten a beer yet.  SCENE BRAKE  ANNOUNCER  Finally, we come to the last match of round one! Thus-far, the competition has been ratcheted to a level we have not seen in all the years this tournament has taken place!  CROWD (cheer)  ANNOUNCER  But, nay! We are not done, yet! Our last hand-to-hand battle is sure to excite and truly bring us close to knowing the true prophet...  SCENE TRANSITION  GILES Come on, you can do this. Come on!  COME! ON!  FORMOSA Hey, good luck.  GILES Luck? Please. You know what happens  out there.  FORMOSA So...You don’t want luck?  GILES You think these arms, shoulders and  legs are luck?  FORMOSA I really don’t know.  ANNOUNCER ...GILES OF VERNON!  GILES Aaaaaaa! THATS ME!!!  ANNOUNCER  Aaaaand our final champion, a late entry - a detail which could prove meaningful or mean absolute nothing, we simply have NO. WAY.  (MORE)  ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)  OF. KNOWING! HER NAME IS.... FORMOSA THE TERRAN!  CROWD (goes quiet)  KEVIN Go Formosa!  ORA KILL, KILL, KILL!  KARRAS HI, FORMOSA!  ANNOUNCER  As every fighter before them, these two must relinquish their Prophecies.  GILES I GIVE MY PROPHECY AS PROOF OF MY  DIVINITY!  CROWD (cheers)  ANNOUNCER  It is accepted! And you?  FORMOSA And, I give my Prophecy so I don’t  have to carry It any more.  ANNOUNCER Ummm... hahaha...It IS ACCEPTED!!!  Finally, a combatant with a sense of humor! Lets see where this leads lady and gentlemen. Let the final round one battle... BEGIN!  CROWD (cheers)  GILES If you want me to spare you, you’re  gonna need a good reason.  FORMOSA What’s a good reason?  GILES I dunno. Thats a great question. No  one has ever asked me that. (MORE)  GILES (CONT'D) Are you... Are you secretly a  dragon? I don’t want to kill a dragon. Unless you’re a mean dragon.  I see  FORMOSA  GILES Aren’t you going to take out your  weapon? Thats usually the way this is done.  Why?  FORMOSA  GILES Why? Oh... Oh this is going to be  easy. THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY!  CROWD (Cheers)  GILES Aaaaaa  FORMOSA Ugh! You won’t be needing this.  And I won’t be needing this.  GILES Ha! That makes It even less of a  fair fight. Last chance. Fine.  FORMOSA This isn’t personal. You  understand.  GILES Come on! You turd!  FORMOSA Aaaaaaa.  GILES Aaagggg! My hand!!!! Its broken...  You broke my hand! No, no. No, no please... Please no more. No more I swear I will follow you. You are the chosen one. Please no more... (whimpers)  ANNOUNCER  FORMOSA IS VICTORIOUS!  CROWD (cheers)  KEVIN YEAAAHHH!!!!  KARRAS GO FORMOSA! GREAT PUNCHING!  ORA YEAH!  ANNOUNCER  Round one is complete!  KEVIN Oh! You were amazing! That was so  quick.  ORA I’m so glad you fought instead of  me! I’m sorry I doubted you. I mean, I didn’t doubt you, I just, I got in my own head--  FORMOSA Ora, I got It.  KARRAS Where did you learn to fight like  that?!  FORMOSA It’s a dangerous world.  KARRAS Oh, you were incredible! I’m so  happy! We’re gonna win this thing for sure!  KEVIN Well, let’s not get ahead of  ourselves.  Well--  FORMOSA  ANNOUNCER  That’s the end of round one! We’ve narrowed the field of prospective prophets in half.  (MORE)  ANNOUNCER (CONT'D) With such exciting battles in round  one, I am absolutely thrilled to announce the challenge of round two.  KEVIN What do you think it’s gonna be?  ORA No idea.  KARRAS Obstacle course?  FORMOSA I don’t care. We did what we came  here for.  In order to pass round two...each contestant must defeat...a LUSUS NATURAE!  WHAT?!  FORMOSA  ANNOUNCER  CROWD (cheer)  LUSUS NATURAE (Roar)  ORA Formosa...  KEVIN Do you know that currupted?  Yes.  FORMOSA  END OF EPISODE 17